'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through my head
were feelings of nausea and desire to be dead.
Sorry, Bloggers. I thought I had it in me to recreate this holiday masterpiece to describe what was my holiday nightmare, but my creative license has not been renewed just yet.
Christmas Eve, as I lay there with visions of sugarplums dancing, I tried to contort my body into a fetal position, for there was no room on the couch. I could not sleep, for I had an uncomfortable feeling of restlessness and anxiety that I could not shake. I thought I might just be nervous Santa would not show with me in the living room to catch him, but I quickly dismissed this as nonsense. Nonsense, because Santa is too fast to see with the naked eye anyway. He's like Matrix fast. Nevertheless, the anxiety never left. Like a spirit, it haunted me all night. I honestly prayed just to make it to morning as I counted down every hour, but it was hopeless. The dreaded beast was upon me.
It was 5 am, Christmas day. I had almost made it to daybreak, but the beast was fast at my heels. I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck, and I thought I heard him whisper, "Look, it's Santa." Foolishly I turned forgetting about the whole Santa/Keanu thing, and that's when the beast sucker-punched me in the gut.
I emptied my stomach (to try to put it nicely) about every two hours until about 3 that afternoon. You see, instead of stuffing myself and gaining some weight this Christmas, the Burger King I ate the day before had other plans. Oh, I'm sorry B.K. I can't prove it was you that poisoned me, and even if I could, I can't stay mad at you with all your cool video games. But if anyone is looking for a great crash diet, I will gladly give you the address of this fine establishment.
I did not move far from that couch for the next three days. I royally ruined all of my family's holiday plans because they all felt guilty leaving me there alone. But I did get to take in alot of crappy television and film. Do you mind if I share a few with you? I didn't think so.
1. The Today Show
Not really a lot I can say bad about this show. The people seem fairly normal except they are really happy and excited that it is morning.
2. Live with Regis and Kelly
The only thing saving this show is the Rege. He is pretty funny, and I think he knows that his show and his cohort are a joke. But I don't think he minds because it is easy and money is pretty good. Kelly is really annoying, and is lucky she is pretty.
3. Martha Stewart
This is ridiculous. She pulls out about 15 different items you need to take care of your shoes, and the audience goes nuts. Who has time to do all this stuff? I would have to take a day off from work just to do some annual maintenance on my Newbies. She also brags too much about how she used to model in France. I think I would respect her more if she bragged about how she used to be in jail and show us some of those cool prison tats that she got.
4. Oprah
Nevermind.
5. Teletubbies
I really don't want to talk about these guys because everytime I do, I can feel my blood pressure increasing.
a. What are these "things" teaching our children? They barely speak the Queen's English, and when they do it is always in fragments.
b. They always watch these stupid movies on their bellies which takes up the majority of the episode because they watch it twice. The only good thing to be said about the video is that at least it is usually in English and can be educational if you catch the metaphors. When I was four, I was catching metaphors, but I am a rare exception.
c. The gay one, Tinky Winky, I believe his name is. I know we can't prove he is gay, but everyone suspects it. Well my gaydar was going off on the episode I watched where he was running around carrying a purse. Come on BBC, won't someone think of the children?
6. A Different World
This many angry black people scare the white out of me.
Well, I think that is enough for now, for I'm sure I have offended and scared enough of my readers, of which there are two.
4 comments:
Oh geez, your Christmas sounded like a blast of biblical proportions! Not really, I'm very sorry your Christmas sucked like a giant black hole of doom. Doom and vomit. I don't know what it is with national holidays and sickness this year. I started the trend with strep amd scarlett fever during the T-giving festivites, the torch then passed to you for Christmas with the most attractive vomitting disease, and now it looks like your Uncle Bobbert may have his sinuses explode right out of his face for New Years.
I apologize if I started this trend, let's not make a habit of this.
I always thought it was odd of Santa to go into our fridge, take our apples and oranges, and stuff them in our stockings. Maybe I'm just being a prude.
Although Teletubbies is definitely horrifying and sexual-orientation indescriminate, I have found BoohBahs tend to gnaw at my sanity even more. These fuzzy, cracked-out..thingies.. bounce around and say, "Boooobbaahhhh," repetitively. I don't get that, I think they are creating sleeper-agents out of children; for what purpose, i am unsure.
I also see you posted at 11:11 p.m. Not that this is significant, just proportional.
my mom and i passed you on the interstate today. you were on the phone...mom was on the phone and a couple of lanes over so i couldn't get her to change lanes nor get your attention...oh well. see ya tonight.
I think you need to quit being a veterinarian and start your own column on life for USA Today or whatever magazine/newspaper people read. I would pay to read your thoughts.
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