Groundhog Day

Happy Belated Groundhog Day, Bloggers!

It has been a very interesting week full of many interesting creatures in the wonderful world of veterinary medicine. Wednesday, I unfortunately had the duty of euthanizing a 19 year old captive mountain lion named Sheela. Although extremely sad, the procedure went very smoothly and humanely. The old girl purred like a small engine as we approached her cage. Though she seemed sweet through the chain-link fence, I had to sedate her with a blowdart so that I could get venous access to finish the procedure. Some of her primary caregivers were there to help me and be with her in her last minutes. It was a very emotional and sobering scene, but the caregivers were very appreciative as to how smoothly the procedure went.

Friday provided a more pleasant and humorous story. If you were not aware, last Friday was Groundhog Day. Friday at lunch, I recieved a call about a sick groundhog. I thought surely this was a joke from one of our receptionists who likes to play on my habit of being gullible (or extremely trustworthy as I like to think). But to my surprise, this was for reals, ya'll. Around 1pm, "Smith Lake Jake", the channel 6 groundhog, waddled into my clinic with a huge abscess under her chin. Now, I have never seen or treated a groundhog, but I have treated tons of abscesses none of which are very pleasant to the senses. I took Jake into my arms, and she made the funniest high-pitched chirping sound. The owner informed me that if only I support her bottom, she would desist this vocal protest. We had a time getting Jake to go to sleep for the procedure. Take home point for all of you who may have to treat an abscess in a groundhog: apparently, they are highly resistant to gas anesthesia. Long story short, we successfully drained the abscess, and Jake is doing well. I just found it very funny to see my first groundhog on groundhog day.

Worst Christmas Ever

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through my head

were feelings of nausea and desire to be dead.

Sorry, Bloggers. I thought I had it in me to recreate this holiday masterpiece to describe what was my holiday nightmare, but my creative license has not been renewed just yet.

Christmas Eve, as I lay there with visions of sugarplums dancing, I tried to contort my body into a fetal position, for there was no room on the couch. I could not sleep, for I had an uncomfortable feeling of restlessness and anxiety that I could not shake. I thought I might just be nervous Santa would not show with me in the living room to catch him, but I quickly dismissed this as nonsense. Nonsense, because Santa is too fast to see with the naked eye anyway. He's like Matrix fast. Nevertheless, the anxiety never left. Like a spirit, it haunted me all night. I honestly prayed just to make it to morning as I counted down every hour, but it was hopeless. The dreaded beast was upon me.

It was 5 am, Christmas day. I had almost made it to daybreak, but the beast was fast at my heels. I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck, and I thought I heard him whisper, "Look, it's Santa." Foolishly I turned forgetting about the whole Santa/Keanu thing, and that's when the beast sucker-punched me in the gut.

I emptied my stomach (to try to put it nicely) about every two hours until about 3 that afternoon. You see, instead of stuffing myself and gaining some weight this Christmas, the Burger King I ate the day before had other plans. Oh, I'm sorry B.K. I can't prove it was you that poisoned me, and even if I could, I can't stay mad at you with all your cool video games. But if anyone is looking for a great crash diet, I will gladly give you the address of this fine establishment.

I did not move far from that couch for the next three days. I royally ruined all of my family's holiday plans because they all felt guilty leaving me there alone. But I did get to take in alot of crappy television and film. Do you mind if I share a few with you? I didn't think so.

1. The Today Show

Not really a lot I can say bad about this show. The people seem fairly normal except they are really happy and excited that it is morning.

2. Live with Regis and Kelly

The only thing saving this show is the Rege. He is pretty funny, and I think he knows that his show and his cohort are a joke. But I don't think he minds because it is easy and money is pretty good. Kelly is really annoying, and is lucky she is pretty.

3. Martha Stewart

This is ridiculous. She pulls out about 15 different items you need to take care of your shoes, and the audience goes nuts. Who has time to do all this stuff? I would have to take a day off from work just to do some annual maintenance on my Newbies. She also brags too much about how she used to model in France. I think I would respect her more if she bragged about how she used to be in jail and show us some of those cool prison tats that she got.

4. Oprah

Nevermind.

5. Teletubbies

I really don't want to talk about these guys because everytime I do, I can feel my blood pressure increasing.

a. What are these "things" teaching our children? They barely speak the Queen's English, and when they do it is always in fragments.

b. They always watch these stupid movies on their bellies which takes up the majority of the episode because they watch it twice. The only good thing to be said about the video is that at least it is usually in English and can be educational if you catch the metaphors. When I was four, I was catching metaphors, but I am a rare exception.

c. The gay one, Tinky Winky, I believe his name is. I know we can't prove he is gay, but everyone suspects it. Well my gaydar was going off on the episode I watched where he was running around carrying a purse. Come on BBC, won't someone think of the children?

6. A Different World

This many angry black people scare the white out of me.

Well, I think that is enough for now, for I'm sure I have offended and scared enough of my readers, of which there are two.